Author's Notes: Thank you Jesse, Dave, and Sarah! Also much thanks to everyone who has ever tried to write something worthwhile for all of us crazy SG fans!!!!
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline, and the actual story are the property of the author.
"Wake up, Daniel!"
Oh yeah. Sorry. I keep forgetting that Iím the narrator.
"Well get used to it!"
Thank you so much for your patience!
"Youíre so welcome!"
Jack - Jack
"Original choice of parts, Daniel!"
Donít complain Jack- I gave you the lead.
Jackís Mother (a person who is so unimportant that she has no name... also known as APWISUTSHNN)- Tealíc
Bessie the cow - General Hammond
"What is going on here, people?"
Nothing, General Hammond. You look very nice today.
"I look like a cow."
Yeah. You look very nice today.
Giant - Apophis (APWISUTHHNN)
Nice try. You signed a contract. You canít hurt us unless we invade your castle.
"Daniel, Iím going to go into his castle! Thanks for making it safe for me!"
Sorry, Jack... I just didnít realize...
"Oh for crying out loud!"
Giantís wife - Shaíre/Ammoret (APWISUTSHNN)
Golden Harp - Samantha
"The least you guys could have done is given me a bigger part. Come on, Dr. Fraiser has a bigger part than me!"
How do you know?
"Well, we had to memorize our lines, didnít we? I saw her script!"
"Captain Carter, I do not believe that it was anything personal."
"Hey, Tealíc. Maybe not, but still."
Can I get going? Please?
"Be my guest, O Great Narrator."
Ah, come on, Sam. You are perfect for your part... Okay...
Market Lady (APWISUTSHNN)- Janet Fraiser
Narrator - ME! Uh, Daniel.
There! Now I can start!
"Having fun being narrator?"
Yeah, I guess itís pretty cool. I can insult you or anyone else and you canít hurt me.
Hahaha. Youíre stupid!
"Daniel! Be nice!"
I am being nice. I wasnít insulting you, I was insulting Jack.
"I am Jack."
Well, ah, yeah, but this play is like an...
Yeah! Exactly! Thanks, Sam!
"Anytime. Iíve got nothing better to do than wait around."
"Be nice to me!"
Why? All youíve done today is complain, complain, complain!
"Yeah! If your part consisted of, oh, maybe two lines, wouldnít you?"
"Well, even if you didnít you still have to be nice to Sam."
"Since when are you in this argument, sir?"
"Since I got tired of it. Daniel..."
I donít have to.
"Not! And thatís final!"
"Youíre agreeing with me... Oh, for crying out loud."
Can I just get on with it?
Jack and his mother lived in an old, run-down shack. His mother was an old lady.
"Greetings. I am Jackís mother."
She was 67 years old. Her curly gray hair was hanging down. She wore a hot pink miniskirt...
"Tealíc looks really... weird."
"I do not look Ďweirdí."
Tealíc, I hate to say this, but you look really strange.
"I do not appreciate this."
"Look, Tealíc, itís Danielís fault-"
"Call me mother."
"Why are you humored? I am getting angered with this!"
Sorry, Tealíc. Sorry. Letís get on with it.
Jack and his mother were poor. I mean, very poor. They lived in an abandoned shack by the river, they were so poor.
"Daniel, that is so not right."
What isnít, Jack?
"We do not live in an old abandoned shack. In this story, I have to plant a bean. If I donít have a garden, how can I?"
You can, Jack. Beansíll grow almost anywhere.
"Come on. I was narrator last time, and I didnít make you live in an old, crappy shack!"
No, you just made me stay in a birdcage while Apophis baked cookies and listened to disco music!
(Writer notes: Okay, this never happened, but this is an alternate reality, so who knows?)
"Hahaha. Youíre right. I did."
So I am punishing you.
"Please let my son and I live in a nicer place."
Oh... All right.
"What!?! Why did you listen to Tealíc and not me?"
Magic word, Jack. Magic word.
"Oh for crying out loud!"
Jack and his mother lived in a tiny cottage.
"Thank you, Daniel Jackson."
"Yeah, thanks a lot."
But they were still poor! All they owned was a cow.
"Thank you, General Hammond."
"Itís Daisy, son."
I thought you were Bessie.
"The proofreaders thought Bessie was too common."
Oh. Okay. Jack and... Daisy were very close. They were best friends.
"What? Thatís crazy, Daniel!"
Loud, loud disco music. I believe those were your exact words, Jack?
"Thatís the past!"
Your point? One day, Jackís mother-
"That is I."
Uh-huh. Went to talk to Jack.
"Son, I have very bad news."
"Oh, what is it, mother?"
Jack, say the whole line.
"Why? That line sounds corny."
Say the line. Remember, I am narrator. I have all power.
"Just you wait til Iím narrator..."
What was that, Jack?
"Ahem, nothing. Oh, what is it, mother dear?"
Very good, Jack!
"Son, we must get rid of one of our family members."
"Oh no, mother dear, Iíll miss you!"
"It is not I, Jack."
"Okay, time out here! Daniel, I demand that this is reworded. Itís making me look like a fool."
Really? I couldnít tell any difference.
"Very funny. Can I please skip over the next line?"
What is it?
"íWhen must I leave, Maí?"
Go ahead, since you said it anyway.
"I called time out!"
You canít time out plays. Sheesh. Tealíc, your line!
"You idiot! We must sell Daisy!"
"We must sell her."
"If we sell her, sheíll get eaten by golden arches lovers."
"I hate you."
Jack ran to his room. The next morning, Jack and Bes- I mean, Daisy, went to the marketplace.
"Golly, Iíll miss you, Daisy!"
All day Jack looked for someone who would take good care of Daisy in... uh... uh, uh...
"What now, Daniel?"
Is that all that General Hammond can say?
"Well, he did correct you at the beginning, didnít he? And he used to talk."
Yeah, but that was the beginning...
"How should I know then? Ask him!"
Okay, I take it thatís all he can say. In that case, thereís no problem. All morning Jack looked for a buyer that would take care of Daisy in her old age.
Glad you find that funny, Jack.
"Can you please hurry up?"
Iíll try. Sorry. Uh, where was I? Oh, but most of the buyers wanted to buy Daisy to sell to a certain fast-food franchise with golden arches. Jack could never let that happen to his best friend. He was walking around when..
"Wow! A fortune teller! Sweet!"
He walked in the tent where the sign was posted.
"Colonel OíNeill! What can I do for you?"
"Hey Doc. Iím not Colonel OíNeill, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Old habits die hard. Daniel, can you hear me?"
"Did you remember to take your anti-histamines this morning?"
"Good. Well, Jack, do you want your palm read or the crystal ball method?"
"You can read palms?"
"Sure. Age, marriage, you name it. Itís all there."
"Donít Jaaaack me, what?"
You canít have your palm read, itís not in the script!
"Oh, like any of this is! ĎDid you take your anti-hissingmines this morning?í"
"Jack, do you want your palm read or not?"
"Naah. Iíll take this crystal ball thing though."
"Thatíll be forty dollars."
"FORTY!?! Are you nuts?"
"Plus tax. And shipping and handling."
"What? Shipping and handling? Whatíre you gonna do, mail me my fortune?"
"No, those fees cover the cost of shipping crystal balls to all of us in the Rippem-Alloff Fortunes."
"Oh, I should have guessed."
"So your total will be... hmm, let me think. Two hundred even."
"You have no idea how hard it is to ship crystal!"
"Look, Doc, I donít have two hundred. Canít you knock it down some for a colonel?"
"Youíre not a colonel right now, Jack."
"Oh yeah! Well I can promote myself to General if I want!"
You canít. Youíre not the narrator. Offer Dr. Fraiser your cow.
"Look, will you give me my fortune if I give you my cow?"
"Is that... Is that you, sir?"
"Jack, that cow is General Hammond."
"I know. Is it a deal?"
"Okay... whereís your crystal ball?"
"In here... All right.. I see a picture of Jack climbing high in the sky... Your wife is in the clouds... You will-"
"Stop right there, Doc. I want to see your Fortune Telling License. I think that you are a phony."
"Why would I be?"
"I am not married anymore. Furthermore, Saraís in therapy for life."
"Maybe itís your future wife... Maybe itís Sam. I donít know."
"I want my cow back."
"I canít do that. I can give you this magical bean though."
"I donít want a stupid bean!"
Someone has got to tell Jack not to take this so seriously!
"What was that, Daniel?"
Nothing. Take the bean and leave. This is getting ridiculous!
Okay, okay. This whole thing is ridiculous.
Jack walked home. When he got there, his mother was waiting.
Sam?! I know youíre bored, but be grateful that you donít have to be Jack.
"My son, how much money did you get for Daisy?"
"Currency... Cash... Income..."
"Uh... I got my fortune told... Iím going to marry Sam."
"You... got... nothing?"
"I got a magic bean..."
"You ignorant little boy!"
"Hey! Who you calling... Ignorant?"
"GO... TO... YOUR... ROOM!"
Jackís mother was very upset with Jack.
Jack felt very bad.
"Sniff... sniff... BOO-HOO!"
Jack decided to throw the bean away.
"I hate you! You got me in trouble!"
He flung the bean out the window. The bean felt very sad.
"Oh, for crying out loud! Beanís donít have feelings, Daniel."
How do you know?
Look, Jack. Just because you happen to be in the military doesnít mean you know everything.
"Oh and you- doctorate in linguistics and anthropology, know everything about beans."
I do. I took a semester course on them my last year of college.
"You really had way too much time on your hands."
I did not.
"You did too."
"No, Daniel. You did not have too much time on your hands! I- oh I canít believe I fell for that again!"
Gullible isnít in the dictionary, Jack.
"It isnít?- Yes, it is. Iím not that stupid."
"Are you guys ever going to get going? I am so bored. Not to mention my only company is Apophis and Shaíre..."
"Daniel, stay focused."
What... oh okay.
So, uh, Jack went to sleep. When he woke up, he was startled.
Startled, Jack. Not scared.
"Yeah, well I was really startled. Why was I startled? Was Tealíc in another mini skirt and curly wig?"
No way. I would have said that you were scared, then.
Jack looked out the window and saw... A beanstalk!
"Really. I couldnít have guessed."
You were pretty confused a minute ago.
"Sarcasm, Daniel, sarcasm."
So Jack, being mad at Tealíc- I mean, his mommy, decided to run away.
"Please do not go son."
"HAHAHA. I will. You canít stop me!"
So Jack started to climb the beanstalk.
"Hey! Whoís that?"
Whatís going on?
"Sorry people, but thatís the colonelís stunt double."
"I donít have a scene for quite awhile, Iím back to myself for a bit."
"Come on, General, This is my story."
Yeah. Jack has to rescue his future wife.
"Can it, Jackson."
Whoo-ee. So scared.
Hey, Iím defending you! You want me to say, ĎOh sure, Mr. Stunt Double, go ahead and climb the beanstalkí?
[Okay. I will.]
Who said that?
"Iím too busy for this nonsense."
"I said nothing, Daniel."
Well then who said it?
Who are you?
[I am Mr. Stunt Double, as you so called me. Even though my name is Colonel Jack OíNeill.]
Why do you speak in brackets?
[I am merely a character brought in by more important characters for the task of proving that your characters are rulers. Your General Hammond didnít think I was important enough to go in the credits, so I am not a real character. I should be. Please tell General Hammond that I should be a real character.]
[I did not expect you to understand, Jack. Your mental capacity is that of a certain thing all of us Stunt Doubles call a boulder.]
What Jack means to say is, Mr. Stunt Double, is will you please leave?
[I canít. This is my job.]
General Hammond, sir?
Will you please send Mr. Stunt Double home? He is ruining our script.
"If I send Mr. Stunt Double home, will you get along with Jack?
"Okay then, people. Come on, Mr. Stunt Double."
[...evil laugh... One day you will all see!]
[I WILL become an important character someday and then I will blow up this complex! ... To this I vow!]
...Well that was certainly interesting.
What is it?
"I agreed...haha... to get along with myself... when General Hammond asked."
Oh you meanie!
"Watch it, Danny boy."
I will. So Jack climbed the beanstalk by himself, no Mr. Stunt Double.
"This thing is so tall!"
"Actually, itís not sir. Considering that the whole stage here is set in the embarkation room, the actual beanstalk is only as tall as the Stargate, to make room for the castle above the clouds. You only have to climb two stories."
Welcome into the conversation, Sam!
"Itís easy for you to say, Carter! Youíre on top already."
"Yes, and I got to use stairs."
"..grunt.. There are stairs?"
"Just behind the Stargate... Course, you canít see the Stargate or the stairs due to the wonderful scenery."
"Daniel, did you forget to mention something?"
Oh, um, yeah. Hey Jack! There are stairs if you want to use them.
"No thanks, but thanks for telling me. Iím almost there."
There. Jack had finally reached the top.
"Iím finally here!"
Jack stared around. He saw a huge castle, and wondered how that was possible.
"If any of Newtonís gravitational laws apply in the embarkation room, which they do, because of the once where some people had a fight and they fell out the window, then it is impossible for such a huge building to exist up here."
"I donít have a clue what I just said. Sam was holding cue cards."
Oh good. I was starting to think that youíd lost any sanity you still had.
"No, no. Still as sane as normal... HEY!"
Jack was overjoyed at the possibility to learn about minute fluctuations of gravitational laws. He began to run to the castle.
"Just a guess, but did Sam help write this at all?"
I think she helped with some... Probably that last scene.
"I sure hope so, because our writers have never been that... scientific before."
As Jack was running, he happened to look where he was going.
"Wait a sec... Happened? Aaaaahhhh!"
Jack, get back to the beanstalk!
It was Apophis.
"Greetings from Chuílak. I am Apophis. If I were allowed to, I would shoot this complex down. However, all I have is my ugly face. Not to mention that there are fifty gunmen pointing at me. But I have a secret."
"Can we trade spots?"
"I canít stand him! Besides, he might be nicer to you."
Why would that be?
"Uhh... youíre a wimp?"
"No, but maybe, uh, Apophis thinks that."
"I do not think that."
"Shut up, Apophis. Didnít your mother tell you it was rude to eavesdrop?"
"I never knew my Goaíuld mother."
"Oh for crying out loud..."
Fine. But you owe me big time, and you better be nice.
"But of course!"
Finally. I am in the rightful place as narrator. I must say Iím pretty good at this storytellingish kind of stuff.
"Storytellingish isnít a word."
Hey, we canít all be linguists!
So Jack was running towards the-
"Stop! Iím Daniel, not Jack. Have you lost your mind?"
Some people seem to think so.
"You are Jack."
Ya think? Have you never read the story Jack and the Beanstalk?
"Other than this play, no."
Oh.. Iím so sorry, Daniel.
Beause, Daniel, even Tealíc knows these stories. I mean, what am I supposed to think... Daniel... Are you an alien?
I thought it was.
"You know... There is a reason I never read fairy tales.
What is it?
"Why would I waste my time with pointless stories when I could be studying Egyptian gods like Ra and Hathor and-"
"You have to admit, I use Egyptian mythology a lot more in day to day SGC life than I would fairy tales."
Okay, whatever. The story has a main character. Are you with me?
"No, Iím above, up here. Hi Jack!"
Yeah, I see you already. The character that I used to play- the character you are playing now- has a name and that name is Jack.
"Oh! Neat! So I am Jack!"
Yeah. Jack walked to the castle.
"Cool... It looks Minoan, with the bulls. I should inquire inside to learn the significance of the bulls in their culture-"
Daniel, would you please play Jack and not some anthropologist rambling on about some culture stuff?"
"I wasnít rambling!"
Rambling. Jack decided to explore the castle....... Daniel!
"Oh, uh, I forgot. Sorry. Gee, I think Iíll explore this lovely castle."
So he went.
"Wow... This place is huge!"
It took all of Jackís strength just to climb up the three stairs in front of the castle.
"Whew! Tired me!"
Aww. Poor you...
Luckily for Jack, the door to the castle was open. He walked inside.
"Wow... This place is huge!"
Is there an echo in here?
Suddenly Jack saw a huge, mean-looking giant.
"Oh, itís just Apophis, Jack. Heís not huge, and he doesnít look mean."
Yeah, thatís just because you know the SG-3 marines are pointing guns at him.
"I have a secret. All of you Tauíri people are ignorant."
"...menacing laugh... Because I have a shield around me!"
"Didnít someone consider this? Tealíc?"
"Yes, Daniel Jackson?"
"Why didnít you remind us about shields?"
"You never inquired."
Daniel, I think you should hide before Apophis sees you.
"Iíll hide in this crack in the floor."
"E, I, O, ember, I smell a Stargate member!"
"Oh no, itís just your pudding."
Daniel, shut up! If Apophis hears you, heíll turn you into what Shaíre and Skaara have become.
Shaíre heard Jackís voice, but pretended she didnít. Apophis didnít hear a thing. He always has had bad hearing due to an accident with a zat gun when he was a child.
What is it, Tealíc?
"The correct name for what you refer to as a Ďzat guní is a zatínikíatel."
Hey, trust me, Tealíc. If I could pronounce that, Iíd call it that.
"My porridge is yummy."
Jack looked as Apophis ate his food. On the table stood a giant bowl of food.
"On Chuílak we call that Ďkren ghuní."
Tealíc, much as we all love to hear about Chuílak, maybe now isnít the time.
There was also a golden harp in the shape of a woman.
"Hey! Itís Sam! Hi Sam!"
Oh fine... Hi Sam.
"What are you talking about, Golden Harp?"
"Merely the voices in my head, Apophis."
Apophis was very tired after eating his porridge. What a hard task.
"...yawn... I am so sleepy..."
So Apophis went to take a nap. Shaíre stayed to clean the kitchen. When she was sure that Apophis was sleeping, she stopped.
"Hi, Shaíre. Call me Jack." My Stargate... um, Chaapa-ai team is doing a play."
"Is that why I am a giant?"
"Ammoret left for today."
"Really!? You mean your Goaíuld can leave?"
"If it so chooses."
"Huh. Whereís Skaara?"
"He is on board an attack vessel and is called Cloríell."
Look, I hate to break this scene up, but might I remind you, Jack, that we are in the middle of the play.
"I remember. Sorry."
Itís okay. Jack, you should probably get Sam. Sheís been complaining about her miniscule part all day, and it would be a shame if you forgot her up there. Plus Apophis might wake up soon.
"Youíre right. Shaíre, can you reach me the harp?"
"Sure. Here you go."
Of for crying out loud. Can we please get on with this?!
"Shaíre, I have to go."
"Okay. Iíll miss you."
Would you leave the castle already? I swear, Daniel, I get more heart attacks when youíre around.
"I thought I was Jack."
You are, I was just- Oh never mind.
"Sam, can you walk in that ridiculous costume?"
"I can hobble."
Sam the harp and Jack the stupid human-
"Might I remind a certain narrator that he played Jack more than I did?"
You might. You might not.
Anyway, they raced towards the beanstalk. They slid down, only to be greeted by a very angry mother of Jack.
"Greetings, Captain Carter."
"Greetings, son. Wait, you donít look like my son."
"Oh, yeah. The colonel and I switched places."
"I see. Son, I am angered."
"You should not have run away, son."
"I didnít run, I climbed."
"You know of what I am referring."
"But, um, Mom- Look what I got there! I got a harp. And I talked to my wife."
"Well, not Jackís wife, my wife."
"Oh, I see."
"Besides, that is one neat harp."
"I believe it is Captain Samantha Carter of SG-1."
"Well, she is, but in this play sheís just a harp."
"I now understand."
"Was there no golden goose up there?"
"I didnít look."
You really donít know your fairy tales, do you Daniel?
"Son, I am broke. State your idea for making money."
"Um, we could sell the harp."
"Not a chance! If I have to have a microscopic part, the least you can do is not sell me!"
"Take it easy, Sam. I meant to like ah, sell the music."
"Oh, that would be okay.
"I too believe that would be a good idea."
So Jack and his mom made millions of dollars off of the many CDs and cassettes of Sam the Harp. Over time, her CDs became more popular than that of Yanniís. Jack bought his cow back from Doc Fraiser, and told her that his fortune had come true. Jackís mother was happy. So was Jack. Sam was Sam as usual.
"Thatís a good thing, in case anyone is wondering."
Anyway, thatís SG-1 and Friends version of Jack and the Beanstalk. Thanks for watching.
"What? Oh, uh, bye."
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